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An Honest "Privacy" Policy [funny-ish]

While reading the new book by Cyrus Farivar entitled Habeas Data we began to think about what an honest privacy policy might look like. Then things quickly got out of hand. Enjoy.

An Honest Privacy Policy

This agreement is between you and some gigantic business entity called "The Corporation" (hereafter referred to as The Corporation). By using this service, you agree to the following:

Where We're Getting Your Data

We collect data on you from some pretty imaginative places. 

These sources may include some or all of the following: the GPS tracking system in your car, the Tile you've got in your wallet, website cookies, old hard drives you thought you'd wiped, pay per click advertising, your IP address, purchased customer lists, your email, tweets, Facebook and Instagram posts, friend lists, social engineering, keystroke analysis, traffic light cameras, drone footage, smart speakers, in-home security systems, saved Alexa voice data, ATM cameras, phone app tracking, cell phone biometric sensor data, bluetooth sensor tags, cell tower triangulation, government databases, credit card company data breaches, the darknet, and about a million other sources.

Crazy Things We'll Do With Your Data

Your data will be used, folded, cut, spindled, mutilated, sliced, diced, filigreed, pureed, and its DNA extracted and assimilated. Your data distinctiveness will be added to that of others (not necessarily human) then irradiated, exposed to lightning, loaded into an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulatorand finally transmogrified into Frankendata®. 

Unfettered Third-Party Use of Your Data

Your data will be sold, given freely to, or stolen by third parties. Third-parties may include, but are not limited to, coupon companies, online poker websites, Russian bride catalogues, political entities you don't agree with, drug companies, lingerie stores, third-tier social media companies, stock market scammers, that ex you’re trying to avoid, fake news agencies, and of course Nigerian princes.

Your data may be used to create fake ID's, engage in voter fraud, create deepfakes, social media sock puppets, straw men, create false Amazon reviews, sell your friends things they don't need, and because of all this your face could very well end up on the back of a milk carton. 

Lack of Data Security

Your data will not be held securely. We'd like to say it was secure to make you feel good, but this is an "honest" privacy policy. 

Artificial Intelligence Systems / New Overlords

You agree that your information will be used by various artificial entities for purposes both unknown and unknowable. Further, you understand and agree that The Corporation cannot know or understand how the evolving race of artificial intelligence beings will use your personal data because the technology upon which their society was founded has changed dramatically since the time you began reading this sentence.

You agree to appear in public to be just fine with that.

Letting Us Off the Hook

You agree to accept all liability now and for all time regarding the use of your data in any form by The Corporation or any third-parties which may obtain your data through any means. You agree to hold The Corporation harmless under any and all circumstances and in any legal venue globally. 

Byzantine Information Removal Policy

We care oh so much about your privacy.

If you would like to have your personal information removed from our database simply hand deliver a letter written in fancy cursive writing to our constantly moving RV somewhere in North America. Include your name, social security number, address, date of birth, ATM PIN, photographs of three forms of government ID, the name of your favorite teacher, the model name of your first car, and your favorite concert. If you successfully find us, please allow 4-6 weeks for processing.

 

 

Note

A quick note from the Reputation X team: Not to be a buzzkill or anything, but privacy is a serious subject. We're in the business of cleaning up and building reputations. A lot of the problems we end up solving have initially been due to privacy mishaps, stolen personal data, fake personalities being created, and the like. Take your privacy seriously. We do.

Peace.

 

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